Jesus was and is among the most influential men in music history. It has been said by many prolific and respected historians that, “Jesus is effing metal.” Dr. Archibold Kensington-Russel XIV of UAwesome‘s Oxford campus wrote, “It is, in fact, Jesus himself who raises the first lighter at every metal and rock concert, and it always has been, throughout history.” He goes on to say that, “He is not, however, that asshole who started the thing with the cell phones.” (The Origins of Effing Metal, page 3296. Oxford Press, 1998).

With the rise of the Internet and ease of acquisition of songs through purely legitimate channels (technically above the law, Jesus follows a few of them for sentimental reasons), Jesus has cultivated a music collection that is widely considered the greatest collection of art since his daddy said his first Word.

Jesus’ playlist is necessarily the playlist that than which none can be greater. Since it can be imagined that there are songs on such a playlist which are greater than any songs written, and since it is greater to have something be in actuality than to exist merely in the mind, Jesus’ Playlist necessarily must contain songs which have not been written. Also, since it can be imagined that this playlist might have the ability to intelligently shape the very landscape to match the music currently playing, Jesus’ playlist must be capable of creating the world. On this basis, it has been argued that Jesus is cheating, since he has merely downloaded God onto his machine. (Professor Mulgrove-Wharton, Deus Ex Machinehead, 2004)

Another heated debate resulting from Jesus’ Playlist results from the question, Can Jesus create a playlist so perfect that even He can’t listen to it? In this debate, there are emerging two camps.

The first has taken to calling themselves the Believers. Their standpoint is that Jesus can both create a playlist that he cannot listen to, and listen to such a playlist, which in such a world where Jesus would decide to do such a thing, would not be a contradiction at all.

The second group is basically atheists, and they don’t matter because they’re going to hell anyway.

On his birthday in the year 2006, Steven Hawking, Micheal Crichton, and Alex Trebek, brought the best gifts to Jesus’ Birthday Bash. The most important of these was Hawking’s gift, the iPod Nano 2GB. It has been said that Hawking actually gave him a 60GB iPod Video, but it transformed into the Nano 2GB when Jesus unwrapped it. This theory is supported by the fact that Hawking would have thought that Jesus would have wanted more of his legendary playlist to fit onto the device, but Jesus’ remark that he wanted something “very portable” that would really only be “just enough” to fit his absolute favorite songs for when he’s on the road, coupled with the Heisenberg uncertainty principle.

Jesus’ iPod being thus constrained to 2GB for His Divine Purpose, and knowing that Jesus wouldn’t run his songs in less than 300Kb/second bitrate, and an average song length of 3.5 minutes, leaves us with an approximate 250 songs which might be on his iPod at any given time. This is precisely the math that can allow mere mortals to attempt to record what is on Jesus’ iPod.

The University of Awesome’s own Professor Adrian is currently performing field research and is compiling a list of confirmed songs that are in fact on Jesus’ Ipod. Any assistance in this endeavor would be extremely helpful; the currently known songs can be located at Jesus' Favorite Music.